Im still alive.
Im just taking some time out.
This month/next holds a lot of really raw emotions for me, as I remember what was going on this time last year.
I am feeling "raw".
I am missing my Daddy.
Just as I thought I was coping admirably, it's all come crashing down again.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling depressed, or "hopeless".
I'm just sad, and raw, and full of memories.
This time last year, I was off to bed early. We had an early morning start, as we were going to head to Middlemore hospital, in time to meet up with my Dads doctors, and to get some results from some tests they'd been doing on my Dad. We weren't overly worried, as Dad had been looking better than he had for a long time, and we thought we'd just find out what had caused his lung to collapse whilst he was down there having a check up of his operation site (for something totally unrelated!). We thought we'd pop down and catch up with my sister in law who was having chemo at the time, and my brother who was also down there visiting. We really were none the wiser to what was going on, or the severity of the news that would hit us on the 28th...
A year ago today..... we never imagined that tomorrow, we'd find out that my Dad had terminal small cell lung cancer. (he was a non smoker). We never imagined the pain our hearts and heads would feel tomorrow.... we never thought we'd hear the doctor say "we can't offer any treatment", and when our sobbing, bereft broken hearted Mum said "What do we do now?" the answer would be "just go home".............................................................
We never imagined our Dad asking how long before this disgusting malicious, family destroying disease would take him..............
How could we have imagined the heartbreak that was coming? Dad had been so well.
On the 28th of November 2012, at approximately 11am, we found out that our Dad had approximately 4months left with us...............unless there was to be a miracle.
Imagine how dumbfounded we were when 5 days later, Our Dad died.
Thinking about my beautiful strong, courageous Daddy even more today and the next little while.
Missing him like crazy x